*TRIGGER WARNING* This is a post about being happy; but it is not a happy post.
It is no secret to those who know me, read my blog or look into my dying eyes for more than a second, that I have a problem with substance abuse. I’ve been an alcoholic since I was twenty. The first time I was diagnosed as alcohol dependent I was twenty-one. I am now twenty-eight and not a lot has changed aside from the fact my mental health has dramatically worsened. The winter lockdown really fucked me up. I would wake up in the evening, start to drink immediately and continue to do so until I passed out some time right before the sunrise. Eventually it wasn’t enough anymore, and I started to do c***** in what most would consider a serious way. After 3 straight weeks of drinking and using every day I crashed hard. I decided then that it was time to once again try sobriety. This time it only lasted two months. I have been drinking again for about four weeks now and I feel like shit. I have tried to stay away from the harder stuff but have been unsuccessful in that endeavor twice. The way I see it, when you drink or use drugs you’re simply borrowing happiness from the next day. You borrow a bit and the next day you’re sick and miserable as you make the repayment. In a case like mine, in the case of an addict, I just borrow again. I keep on borrowing happiness from the next day until it runs out and the future has nothing left to give. I’ve been living on borrowed happiness for eight years now, and the future is looking bleaker than ever. I’ve been having more suicidal thoughts than usual and I’ve been struggling to pull myself together and wear the human mask. On the days that I don’t go to work I start to drink right out of bed and carry on until I can’t physically drink anymore. Last night I borrowed about a weeks’ worth of happiness and am paying for it today with sickness, shakes, suicidal musings and anxiety. I’ve lost more money than I care to tell you about playing online poker and roulette, the rest I had I spent on shopping for overpriced clothing and nice whisky. My impulse control is nonexistent. The medication isn’t working. My addictive personality is ruining what little life I have left, and the future is a dark void of certain misery that I can hardly bring myself to face. I have borrowed too much, and now the time is coming to pay the price. I fear that price will be something that can’t be taken back, and I have no idea how to handle it. During the two months of sobriety (or there about) that followed my big lockdown crash, I found my life drained of color. I struggled to see the good in anything. I struggled to see the beauty in anything. I was depressed, tired and empty. My physical health hadn’t improved the way I thought it would when I decided to clean up my act and I couldn’t see the point in living that kind of a life if it wasn’t going to be an improved existence. After a week back at work I was back on the booze. I started with a pint after work with the team, then came home and dusted off the emergency scotch I had hidden at the back of the cupboard. This was about 3 or 4 weeks ago. A day or so after that I won £1500 on a lottery ticket. I was adamant I’d save that money and put it towards the American road trip that I’ve been promising myself I'll take one day (but in reality am unlikely ever to do so). Now all that money plus everything I have earned since being back at work/on furlough is gone. I think I’ve spent somewhere in the region of three grand in the last three or four weeks and I have nothing really to show for it. I have enough left over to pay all my bills this weekend and a little for the week ahead, but for all intent and purpose I'm back to square one. I have become such a fucking cliché of a bipolar patient it’s almost comical; a complete lack of impulse control, an inability to feel anything real without the aid of substances, switching from party mode to suicidal in what seems like the blink of a red and baggy eye. I’ve been back on the codeine for about six weeks as well and I’ve lost a fair amount of the weight I gained during lockdown (this because I only eat two or three times a week and keep myself going on Red Bull and cigarettes the rest of the time). I look ill, to be frank. I look like I could die any day now and honestly; I’m starting to feel like I might.
This post has been about happiness, or a lack thereof; but it has not been a happy read. It has not been a happy post to write and I only sat down to do it in an attempt to temporarily distract myself from the waking nightmare going on in my twisted and addled regret filled head. This isn’t the post I wanted to write this week, but it’s an honest one. I hope no one reading this identifies with it. Under normal circumstances I’d say that if you are, you can come to me about it but right now I hardly have the emotional capacity to help myself. Instead, here is the phone number for the Samaritans and a couple of website links- just in case you’ve gotten to the end of this post and feel like you need someone to talk to who can help. Remember, suicide cannot be taken back. If you feel like you might harm yourself then reach out and ask for help. Please also bear in mind that I have no current plans to harm myself. This is not a cry for help, I am for the time being and to a certain extent, okay.
Peace and Love, Love and Nihilism – W.L
https://www.mind.org.uk/need-urgent-help/using-this-tool
https://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/suicide/ Samaritans help line – 116 123 (Free from any phone) If you're under 25, you can call The Mix on 0808 808 4994 Before calling a helpline, you might want to consider:
· What times are they open?
· Is it free to call or is there a cost involved?
· Is what you say confidential? For example, many services have policies on what to do if someone says they have attempted suicide or are actively planning to.
· What will you do if the line is busy? It's often worth trying several times, or you might plan to call back later or try a different service.
You might be able to find this information on the organisation's website, or you could ask the advisor to explain their policies during the call.
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