26/04/2021 (9:45PM)
I ripped a ligament in my right knee trying to play football after classes whilst I was waiting for a ride home around two weeks before the auditions for We Will Rock you. When it came time to do a power slide at the end of my audition song I hesitated slightly before running into it and dropping at full speed. Instead of hitting the high note I ended up just squeaking in pain and as you might expect, I didn’t get the lead. There were likely a lot of reasons I didn’t get the lead that year, number one being the fact that my Mother, a high ranking officer in the English Department was set to play a large role and no one wanted it to look like a favoritism fueled family event. Reason number two being that I’d had the lead role the year before and had forgotten all of my lines for the second act during the dress rehearsal, much to the chagrin of the director who threw a script and pencil so far across the auditorium the cast ended up musing for days afterwards why she wasn’t in sports as opposed to theater. Reason three, the one I always discounted as being purely ignorant conjecture was that the better man for the part got the job. For weeks I strutted around like an angry X Factor reject who shouts ironically to the cameras that the judges haven’t got a clue what they’re going on about, and even several times threatened to drop out of the show entirely. I didn’t even have a solo that year; I had a few scenes in act two and a few lines in one verse of one song toward the beginning of act three and I was hideously offended that my brilliance and dedication to the theater hadn’t been recognized, despite historic evidence to the contrary. Throughout my time as a student of the art I would go on to have many a leading role, and whenever I was given a part I didn’t want, expect or believe I was supposed to have, it was always the fault of some ignorant director or some idiot favorite that snatched it away from me undeservedly. It was never my fault. Nothing has ever been my fault. It was quite some time after the ill fated WWRY audition that I was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and a lot of people I told about the diagnosis expressed little surprise and mainly hit me with (shrouded in vague politeness) “I told you so” in some variation or another. Even now, knowing this about myself, whenever I get angry or upset that I am nowhere near the station I expected myself to have arrived at by this ripening age of twenty-eight, I always find a reason -other than one that faults me- to explain it. My parents divorce, my parents addiction, my addiction, my mental health. I blame the idiots that surround me and the problems of the past that I, instead of fighting against, let define my path. Truth be told I have never really put the work in. Yes, I have had some troubles, and of course those troubles have led to some setbacks; but I’ve never been very good at getting back on the horse (or in my case I suppose you could replace said horse with an E-scooter or a Quad bike). I’ve never gotten back in the race. I have always laid down and let the unfortunate misery of it all drown me and define me. Why am I not a published writer? Why am I not a bestselling author working out of a cabin in the Maine Woods? Why don’t I spend half my year road tripping on royalties around the beautiful parts of the world that I have for so long longed to trip? Why am I nowhere, alone and tired? Because I never put the work in; and even as I say this, I still don’t know how to stop blaming others and start making changes. After all, I’m the beautiful and brilliant king of everything, aren’t I? Shouldn’t it all simply be given to me? This is the first post I have written in quite some time. I have been busy doing nothing. I have been very ill both physically and mentally. My addiction has reached new heights (I am trying to put together a post to go through all of this but it is a delicate subject that must be written with care and character) and I have just started back at work, which is exhausting and stressful. I will be trying to write a little more for this website in the coming weeks. If you are one of the two or three people who actually read this (and one of the lesser who actually enjoy it) please continue to do so, bare with me, and share my posts with as many like-minded chaos agents as you know! I am keeping it short as I have a long day at work tomorrow and I just want to enjoy a glass of scotch and pop on a film. That said I had a few words in me that I wanted to put on 'paper' so here we are. For now, bare with, share and continue to send me those good vibes (I love being told how brilliant I am... I am a narcissist after all). Peace and love... Love and Nihilism. Regards, Walter Laurence.
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